Returning to Self

Silence at dawn…

By Cara Chang Mutert

Feel like you’ve forgotten yourself? Like maybe you left yourself behind? Most of us ask the question at least once in our lives, if not many times over. For yogis, philosophers, and introspective types, it’s the existential classic: “Who Am I?”

Having just had the honor and privilege to have experienced three weeks in Italy on yoga retreat, I found myself facing the question yet again. I was also reminded that I am not the only one who continues to explore it through the many phases of life.

Truth is, if we slow down enough, the questions eventually arise. What have I done with my life to this point? How have I learned from my mistakes? What am I doing to live fully?

As teachers and practitioners, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves so busy telling other’s what we’ve learned, that we ourselves can forget how to practice what we’ve learned. As generally a peaceful’ish person, fairly grounded, centered, content, etc., deep in the recesses, a raging ocean can often still lurk. We teach what we need to learn, as they say.

I was fortunate to return to this retreat center after 4 years of growth, which also came with some serious growing pains (and suffering). To come out on the other side from a very difficult chapter in my life, losing my father, a tragic family accident, Covid and never-before-seen business challenges, the passing of too many old friends and two beloved dogs, the past 6 years has shown me that life can really test of our ability to endure.

But when you hit the deepest depths of despair, that’s when the light breaks through. Trust and faith in something bigger than yourself can go a long way to get you through it. Through the process of healing, the small self diminishes, while purpose and hope are somehow magnified.

During the past few weeks, as I sat in the silence of the vibrant sunrises of Tuscany, memories of the past shot across my mind. Even in the perfection of the moment, with the cool wind on my back, the warm sun on my face, my mind still wandered into the deep. I not only caught myself still in the past, wondering why letting go can be so hard, but also berating myself about it. Pretty sure I’m not alone in this either.

But just sitting with it quietly, over time, it seemed to dissipate. The blanket of fog veiling the rolling vista began to settle, and the skies began to clear. Where I once could not see where I really stood, the sun gently burned through it to reveal the earth below. The crests of the hills and mountains looked like waves in the ocean, the winding roads twisted and turned everywhere, while the plentiful earth below stood still. Strong and fertile, green and growing, and bursting with life. Seriously. It was magical.

And so, just like the question of who you are is a living, breathing one, letting go of what you may still be holding onto is also organic. Be patient, and know that you, like the billowing earth below us, are still in there. The real you. Your true Self.

Just sit and be still for a while... you might just discover you haven’t forgotten at all.