On why we suffer…
By Cara Chang Mutert
Last weekend, I finally ripped off the Band-Aid and began to box up my father’s clothes. As I sifted through his closets of suits and ties, the memories flooded in. It was emotional and heart wrenching, but also an opportunity to practice detachment and letting go.
I found myself burying my head in his clothes, hoping to get just a faint scent of him. But I realized I was grasping. I was holding on to something that I can no longer. As tears rolled down my face, I had a deep, felt sense of our mind’s inability to let go and how it causes our suffering. As I sucked back my tears, I realized that I had to stay present in the reality that I had to help my mother get through it. So I did my best to separate my emotions from all the memories that were attached to his things. The feelings came and went in big and small waves throughout the day, but we got through the first big push.
Detachment, like so much of the work we do in yoga, is an ongoing, daily, moment-by-moment practice. It does not mean we shouldn’t care. It just means we are choosing to remain present in what is. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
As the latest news of the state of our country and the uncertainty of our world amid the pandemic continues to drone on, I think we can all agree that we hoped this chapter would have already been history. But instead of celebrating our survival, recovery and global healing, unfortunately the division among us seems to have quietly deepened.
It’s difficult to watch so much resentment manifesting as a result of all of our differing opinions, whatever they might be. People have always disagreed. And we always will. Because we all have different perspectives and see out of the skewed tangent of our own individual lens, which is as unique as our fingerprint.
With the power of social media, we now have a medium to express these divergent thoughts and ideas. It has the ability to reach millions, yet we still remain somewhat protected by its distant nature. Having an outlet to express your anger can be helpful and productive, but on social media, it can fuel separation and hurt others unnecessarily, and often unintentionally.
Social media as a form of communication offers so many advantages. It’s a great way to stay connected with those you might not otherwise, and to share your story and life with others. For many, it’s also a way to express your thoughts and feelings. … kind of like what I’m doing now. As a business tool, it’s the new form of advertising. It offers an effective way to get the word out, raise awareness and promote your company, market its offerings and/or your personal brand.
But it’s a slippery slope. When used as a podium, it can quickly erode into an “I’m better than you” mindset. It gives us a platform to say, “My position makes more sense than yours,” or “You’re wrong, and I’m right.” It has become a place where you can react to any given situation that might be bothering you.
In the process, however, the medium can create an unrealistic sense of self, and it can evolve into either a self-aggrandizing or self-loathing exercise. It further confuses the already complicated ego, which can vacillate anywhere between “I suck,” and “I’m great.” And these feelings are often largely dependent on how many people like your post or not, and who does and doesn’t comment positively or negatively.
Much of the practice of yoga is to identify and whittle things down to the root cause of the area of concern. It could be a habitual body or thought pattern, a conditioned response like anger or rage, or unconscious coping mechanism like delusion or denial. Over time, I have noticed the effect of social media on myself and others. Seems to me that a good deal of our suffering, often in the form of disbelief, anxiety, depression, irritation and frustration, stems from what we choose to share and engage in on social media.
Some take it seriously, and others take it lightly. But even when we consciously try to make light of it, the effect on the subconscious is less predictable and tangible. The degree of reaction is dependent on the person who is on the receiving end of the message. Whether it’s a political or emotional opinion piece or a personal expression of how mad you are at the world, there is always a ripple effect.
Although it is important to express your feelings and speak your truth, yoga also teaches us that it’s appropriate to first ask ourselves whether it’s kind, useful, or even necessary. What do you need to say and why? Is it educational or helpful? Is it a cathartic release for you? Are you just venting? Whatever you decide, consider how it also might affect others.
This is karma. Often misunderstood, karma is not just how your actions affect your own future. But it’s how your actions also affect others. In turn, somewhere down the pike, how might their reaction then come back to affect you once again?
Consider how one single act might unintentionally contribute to the dysfunction and divisiveness that seem to be growing in our country by the day. Although the momentum of our thoughts fueled by emotions can easily spiral into a negative narrative, another option could be to refrain from our base instinct of simply lashing out.
I know it can be tiresome to hold back when everyone else around you is spewing. But does more spewing really effect change? Instead of reverting to autopilot, think about the source of aggravation you feel toward those you disagree with. Is it really the other person or people actually causing your misery? Or could it be your own mind’s inability to detach from that thought which is actually causing your suffering?
As I carried the boxes of my father’s things down to the garage, I found myself clinging to its contents. I just wanted to pull out a few more of his shirts to hold onto, especially the old worn ones that he loved so much. My internal struggle resurfaced yet again. My eyes welled up, my throat closed, and the ache in my heart grew stronger. But, the box stayed closed, and I walked away.
Such is the breath-by-breath practice of detachment and letting go …