On Friendship…
Photo by Carina Vowels
By Cara Chang Mutert
Shy, tentative, and introverted was my M.O. It wasn’t until I found movement (through dance, and eventually yoga), that I started to break out of my shell.
Looking at me now, that may be hard to imagine. But deep down, that’s who I was for a looooong time, and in truth, who I can still quickly and easily revert to. As a young person, functioning in a world with trepidation and uncertainty, I realize I spent much of my time worrying about what people would think of or see in me, wondering if I was good enough, in every department.
I think that’s probably what we all wonder at times, particularly when we’re discovering ourselves. We contemplate who we think we are, and who we wish we were. We wonder what it would be like to be like “that” person. What it would be like to be in their skin, free from all the self-doubts and insecurities.
But as the decades go by, we start to slowly figure it out. Painful as some of the figuring might be, it happens. Then we try to break apart the why, and eventually the lesson that we’re supposed to glean from it.
As each round of learning seems to get incrementally more challenging, a bit like a boxing match, with practice, repetition, and a few black eyes, we do eventually learn. In time, we may sometimes piece together why things happened, but more importantly what we learned from it. Sometimes, it’s learning that we should have done something more. Sometimes, it’s finding out that we should have stopped sooner. Other times, we learn that it had nothing to do with us at all. Most times, that’s the case, and the mind games and suffering we go through end up ironically being mostly self-inflicted.
While it’s easy to tailspin into the blame game, pointing fingers and looking to others for the answer, these are the times it’s even more important than ever to look inward. To remember who you are, and to stay connected with the truth of who you are.
There are times, however, when we feel so disconnected from ourselves, that we forget how, particularly when drama may be swirling around, and you’re caught in the eye of the storm. When a situation triggers self-doubt, childhood traumas, stories, and insecurities, it all comes bubbling back to the surface. Fortunately, when you feel yourself slipping, long-held, trusted friendships can help buffer the blow and cushion the landing.
Like a fine wine, true friendships are rare, valuable and to be savored. Friendships offer such a great mirror into ourselves, and a refined support system when self-gaslighting can reign. Old friendships can remind us of how far we’ve come, as well as who we still are, and have always been.
New friendships, if you have the courage to allow them in, can help you see yourself in a new light, as you are today, free from the weight of the past. I treasure and am so grateful for both… the decades-old friendships which have withstood the test of time; and the new friends, with less history, but equally rich, deep, meaningful, and nourishing bonds that can only result from maturity and life experience.
So today I thank you friends, both old and new, the ones who are still here on earth, and those who I miss dearly and are already in heaven, for riding out the storms with me, and sharing the healing magic of love, friendship, and deep connection…