The Root
by Cara Chang Mutert
As I kissed my mom before they wheeled her into surgery, I felt my eyes well up, my lips begin to tremble, and the lump in my throat grow even bigger. As I choked it back, I realized that retraction, regression, seclusion, and tears are often my response to fear.
For so many of us, fear of the unknown has been the theme of 2020. In a time when we have felt powerless to control our health, our livelihoods, the well-being of our loved ones and our futures, deconstructing the emotions that have accompanied it all has been helpful to me in weathering the exasperation, confusion and despair that has plagued us all, along with the virus.
As we step in the final day before the election in a year during which a pandemic has swept over our planet, these next few days or weeks while we await the results has us sitting on the precipice of a monumental moment in our lives and in history. As we anticipate whatever that moment might bring, it’s now more important than ever to look honestly into our own minds and deeply within our own hearts to make sense of what we’re all really feeling so when the results do come in, we can respond accordingly.
As each of us experience our own distinct blend of anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, desperation, judgement, defiance, and rigidity, it’s important to recognize that fear is actually at the root of it all. Whether it’s fear of the virus, fear of change away from the status quo, or fear of no change in the status quo, fear has been what’s fueled so much of the volatility and divisiveness during the past 8 months.
But unfortunately, unless you’re watching a horror film, admitting you’re afraid in our culture can be seen as conceding to weakness. And because shame is often associated with fear, it is usually disguised as something else. If we are scared, our egos unconsciously protect us from being perceived as weak. So instead of acknowledging we’re afraid either because we feel our freedom or our security being threatened, our health and well-being is at risk, and/or we don’t want to accept what is or what might be, intolerance, resentment and rage can be how it manifests.
Understanding how fear uniquely presents in each one of us can help us not only understand ourselves better, but also tolerate those who we don’t understand at all. While my response to fear is usually to become reclusive and depressed, others typically get angry and defiant, rebellious and violent, or anxious, critical, and defensive.
All of these are understandable reactions, particularly amid the world crisis we are facing in this moment, but none of them are not all that constructive. Letting it fly might serve as a nice release valve for the rising energy (prana-citta) that has no place to go. But other than that, it merely raises your blood pressure, creates tension and stress among those around you and can be hurtful to those you love, as well as affect others you don’t even know. Karma is not only how your life and choices affect you, but also the ripple effect it has on others.
Retreating is not necessarily the answer, but if we don’t pause first to think about what we’re actually feeling and how it’s being expressed, we will find ourselves stuck in an emotional crapshoot. To find some sense of peace when the whole world feels like it’s spinning out from beneath us, looking inward can at least make the mayhem a bit less daunting and if nothing else, more interesting. By deciphering our own emotions more closely and precisely, we can also learn to see others more clearly. And by learning more about ourselves, we can in turn use that awareness as a mirror to reflect on others with more tolerance, patience, and understanding.